Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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