If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
