I wish I only lived at night.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
