What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
