i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
4 words: hood of his car
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
