woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
