I accidentally had phone sex last night
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
