Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
