Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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