So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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