I wish my penis had an off switch
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
