come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
