my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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