i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I wish there were birth control emojis
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
