thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
