Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
