dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
