You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
