Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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