Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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