At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
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