That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize