just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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