sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
