I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
