She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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