If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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