oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
