Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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