Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Dick very happy bro
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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