There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
