so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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