Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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