Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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