I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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