I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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