What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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