proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
