wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize