I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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