i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
