so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
