dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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