Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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