running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
