Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I don't deserve a penis
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
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