first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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