I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Sorry about my life...
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
