your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize