Tell her she can't have a vagina
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
