I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I AM VODKA MAN
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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