It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
