life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
