I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
