i think my mom watched the whole time
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
