can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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