Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
