guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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