i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
