well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
you never un-have a 4some
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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