I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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