I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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