The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
