Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
