I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
